My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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