I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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