Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
