WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
