My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
