How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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