i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
