The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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