Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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