Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
