oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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