I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
