dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
