i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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