at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
