Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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