i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
