Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
