Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
