It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
