Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
