I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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