she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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