Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
