He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
