Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
