Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
