god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
