Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
