i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
