yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
