Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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