i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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