Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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