If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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