i love accidental penises.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
