Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
