question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
as a side note pls kill me
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
