So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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