well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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