Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
