But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
