I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We were destined to go to rehab together
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
