just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
