I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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