Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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