i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
