I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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