you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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