Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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