come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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